Jackie Danicki

I mean, really. Don’t worry - it’s worksafe, though it may cause you to snort out loud. (Thank you, Amy!)

UPDATE: The post was yanked by its author, so here’s the original for those who missed out:

I am going to be brutally honest here and see what happens. What you read is what you get. This may not be your cup of tea, or ideal situation, but at least there won’t be any surprises down the road. First off, I am in a relationship with a very evil and mean woman. For the life of me, I cannot figure out what makes people this way. I look at every bump in the road as a challenge and an opportunity for improvement. I need out of this relationship badly. If I try to leave her on good terms, she will turn violent and uncontrollable. However, I promise there will not be any problems with my new mate or situation. You will not have to worry about her stalking us or wanting me back. It is just the initial break up that will be devastating and put her in a violent rage. I need to avoid this at all costs. About me, most importantly, I have two very young children that live with me only two weekends per month. I do not need your assistance or help with them at all. However if you choose to embrace them, that would be a perfect world for me. I am looking for an older woman or at least someone as mature as I am. You can be younger, but not too young. I want a woman who owns a home and has an extra room for my kids, They only need one, they can share. I also require the better part of a two car garage. I have a few projects and a lot of tools. I am very neat and organized. I also require a woman to look like woman. I get a rise every time I walk into a bank. I love women in heels, nylons, and skirts. I should have been a teenager in the 40’s. I like old fashioned lingerie such as garter belts, corsets, and girdles. Here is the good part, naked doesn’t do it for me. If you are self conscious about your body, I am the man for you. Pantyhose and nighties are very welcome in the bedroom and around the house. Being a little overweight to fill out some curves is ok too. I am financially secure with a good job with excellent health benefits. I am not afraid of making a commitment. If we were to marry these benefits would apply to you at no additional cost to me. I am very tall and about 40 pounds overweight. I am getting closer to my target goal every day. I am dominant in the bedroom. I will save a further explanation about that if you ask for it. I want a loving and caring woman who is happy and confident with herself. If you are on any kind depression medicine, you are not for me. I want a relationship with a homeowner. I will gladly sign a prenuptial agreement. A lonely widow would be perfect. I love to dine out and go to the movies. I love to hold hands. I am not into public displays of affection, but on lookers would know we are happy and in love. It would be nice if you could cook. I am slowly winning the battle over Type 2 diabetes. My diet and exercise is helping greatly. At times I have a little difficulty in the bedroom. A loving and understanding woman is required here. Most times a pill or a little background video on the TV is enough mental stimulation to fix all problems. We can get to know each other during the day. I have a very flexible schedule and I can take time off with very short notice. I prefer no sex during courtship. I feel once that line is crossed the learning curve for one another declines drastically. Groping and kissing is very encouraged, especially if I like your rear end. I am very monogamous and loyal. You need to be too. This should be enough for now. If you find yourself interested in learning more, please respond with a recent picture of your garage. If you were standing in the background in heels and a girdle, that would be appreciated.

Filed under: Life