Cat-calls and creeps
I’m going to have to disagree with my friend Amy Alkon on how women “should” respond to cat-calls and other public come-ons.
In my experience, this sort of attention can take one of many forms:
1) Obviously not intended to make you feel uncomfortable or humiliated, comes across as genuine, harmless, and makes you feel flattered. (Example: When we were in a taxi in Paris, I glanced at the lane next to ours and some hot ambulance driver was smiling at me. I smiled back, then looked away for several seconds. When I looked back over, he was still smiling at me. I thought it was sweet.)
2) Obviously not intended to make you feel uncomfortable or humiliated, comes across as genuine, creepy, and makes you feel threatened. (Example: Imagine the scenario above and swap the hot guy for an unattractive guy. Squick-o-rama.)
3) Obviously intended to make you feel uncomfortable and humiliated, makes you want to punch the guy. (Example: Two guys came up to me in Leicester Square and asked me if they could do something dirty and unmentionable to me. I was really pissed off, and wished I’d had a guy with me to tell them off - but of course I didn’t, because losers like this don’t approach girls who are with guys, and they are usually in groups of two or more, because they like to show off for their friends.)
4) Obviously intended to make you feel uncomfortable and humiliated, makes you want to punch the guy and find a safe place to hide. (Example: Take the situation above and move it from Leicester Square to someplace a whole more poorly lit and less populated with passers-by.)
To say that a woman has a “victim mentality” if she reacts appropriately to the last three is just silly.
On Sunday night in Paris, we got back to our hotel room and I immediately went to the window to open it and get some fresh air. When I parted the curtains, some guy was standing in his apartment window - a good 50 yards away - and started waving at me. As I paused to register this sight, he started blowing kisses at me. I called Antoine over to have a look, then quickly closed the curtains. “I didn’t like that,” I said to Antoine, who was clearly amused by the voyeur. “Yes, I suppose it’s pretty creepy,” he replied.
I object when anyone acts creepily towards me, male or female, and I don’t think I “owe” anybody a gracious response just because they may not have intended to creep me out. That’s not a victim mentality; that’s being aware that my own need not to be creeped out is more important than that guy’s need to feel appreciated for “flattering” me. No one has the right not to be offended, but as Amy herself demonstrates time and time again with her actions against jerks in public, we all have the right - and the responsibility to ourselves - to stand up for ourselves.
Filed under: Life
Your first two examples succinctly point out the problem I (a man) have with most comments on public fliriting. The difference between the sweet guy in the first example and the creepy guy in the second example is that you found the first guy cute.
Its very difficult to codify behavior that depends on what’s going on in the head of the person who is offended by the behavior.
Hate crime laws and sexual harassment laws suffer from a similar problem. They usually have something in the order of “speech which makes the target of the speech feel ashamed or embarassed”. Part of the definition of the crime is what’s going on in the head of the victim.
Very difficult to figure out this stuff. Absent a clear signal that you think I’m cute, I’ll skip the smile.
Does the guy in case 2 deserve to be lumped with the jerks in 3 & 4 who are trying to cause humiliation? Jus askin.
Brian: Hate crime laws are complete bollocks and should be abolished. As I said when I was assaulted by two black teenagers (who were later successfully prosecuted under hate crime legislation), their crime would be no less awful if they’d perpetrated it against a black person.
As for smiles, there are innocuous smiles and then there are lingering smiles that last for several seconds. As one comedian once said, “There’s a fine line between mere eye contact and the piercing stare of a psychopath.” It’s not my job - or anyone else’s - to help the world’s socially awkward men figure out the difference.
Jon: No, which is why I didn’t lump him in with them (re-read my description of example two). I just don’t think I or any other woman “owes” that guy (or anybody) appreciation for his attention.
Word up. Seriously as hell.
My dad always told me that if I found someone attractive or interesting, I should smile once at them, then wait for them to respond before doing anything else. No responding smile? That’s it. Move on.
I completely agree with your points about “victim mentality” when confronted by these scenarios, and women not owing appreciation for mens’ attention. But you did lump 2 in with 3 and 4 when you talked about “the last three”. Like Brian, I am wondering why the lingering smile of 1 isn’t included with the others, but is instead considered sweet?
Ed, I lumped them together because - as I said - I’d consider scenario two quite creepy. Number one is considered sweet because the guy is hot and I actually returned his smile.