Dealing with narcissists
Man, I cannot thank Robyn enough for transcribing this Merrill Markoe article on narcissists. I can think of a few people I know who fit this bill, but one individual is proving particularly draining at the moment. Sound like anyone you know?
Narcissists are people who cover up feelings of shame and worthlessness inflicted during their own screwy childhoods by doing whatever it takes to maintain the false sense that they are very special and therefore not bound by ordinary rules. This requires them to surround themselves with people who will constantly pump them up by agreeing with them about everything. In narcissism talk, this is called “feeding their grandiosity.” Here is the short explanation for why they act like this: Narcissists, because they never fully outgrow a phase of infantile behavioral development, essentially live in a world that is one-person big. Therefore, when a brilliant, charming, elegant and grand narcissist honors you by allowing you entry into his or her very elite cadre, it is kind of like being annexed by an imperialist country. Your borders have now been erased. The subtext of all future interactions will be “What’s mine is mine, and what’s your is mine. Welcome to a world where there is no you.” When you are with a narcissist, his needs must bcome your needs. It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world; he must also be the center of yours. Your job is to serve as admiring audience or vent for his anger, Fan Club President or Incompetent Maid. If you are not mirroring him or praising him, you are proving you are a separate person and thus a threat.
How to deal? Either agree with everything they say, or walk away. I will warn you, though, that walking away from a narcissist after years of putting up with their bullshit is not always accepted with dignity. Still, the relief you feel from the knowledge that you never have to cope with them ever again makes it all worthwhile. Whether they choose to get help or not - and how many relationships they’re going to ruin before they decide to do so - is really up to them and no one else.
Filed under: Life
Interesting perspective on narcissists. For me, if I experience this in people, I will slowly but surely fade out of their lives. Sometimes I will call it out once and specifically mention that I’m no better or worse than them and I don’t know their answers.
I observe, quite directly, the behavior and tell them I don’t think it’s good or bad, it just is. It’s helpful because it awakens my own intuition to look into myself.
I find I become indifferent about what they do and I accept myself and them for all that we are.
…And part of accepting a person for all that they are is sometimes accepting that we want nothing more to do with them. It’s fruitless to appeal to them to stop hurting others and themselves, because they truly believe that their behaviour is impeccable and it’s everyone else who’s got the problem. It’s hard to be indifferent when the person is hurting others that you care about, too, but either can’t or won’t accept that.
I will add that, when shunning the narcissist (this, after years of being complicit in his or her web), the shunner can, often for years, be accused of whatever the narcissist deems fit today. It can be unbelievably vituperative and cruel; it can also (but only when one is fully extricated) be patently absurd. I recently listened to a narcisisst tell a story that was decades old, a story that, in order to impress us with just how very right he was and how very wrong the other party, had grown from a few encouters and a few dollars, to “literally thousands of hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars.” He kept repeating and repeating these words, and as he did, I saw just how very long ago he’d untethered himself from the shores of reality, how very far out he’d drifted; how he could get back any time he wanted but, never would. I knew, too, that ANY deaing I had with him in the future would be used as ammunition, when and if he felt the need to unload on me. Once you see a narcissist for who they are, they lose their power, and move on to the next person.
I wish my friend would think like you Jackie, her partner is one of the biggest narcissists I have ever come across and it is really difficult watching her giving up her own personality, individualism and common sense when it comes to being with him. Or is this just another case of love makes blind or shall I say stupid?
Franziska, I had a great conversation about this last night with my friend Amy Alkon. She told me that the problem is when we give people credit based on how *we* would be have, not for how they have shown us *they* behave.
That is very astute. Ms Alkon should tell my family that, while beating them with sticks.
I think I may have met more than my fair share of narcissists.
I just recently discovered that someone in my extended family has this personality disorder. It’s gone pretty far already, to the point he can’t really finish sentences or pronounce words correctly if it isn’t about him, some “good thing”, or anything remotely mirror-like. When the conversation moves away, he falls asleep, whether that’s watching the game, eating dinner, riding in a car….
From what I have figured out seeing this first hand is this — their Achillles’ heel (if you want to call it that) — they have no feelings. Now, this isn’t exactly true, but “for all intents and purposes” I have found it several times beneficial to attempt to remind myself (in addition to being patient and curious, not angry or frustrated) — “Just remember… s/he has no feelings… you can’t hurt h/er feelings no matter how hard you try.” This is because the person you think the NPD is, the emotions you THINK the NPD is experiencing, the emotions that you are careful not to step on (to your own detriment)… all of this is actually nothing more than a pigment of your imagination.
That’s not really how s/he feels, those aren’t really h/er feelings at all — those feelings that you are thinking s/he is feeling and tend to make you feel like you should maybe possibly feel guilty about even contemplating hurting. Those feelings simply don’t exist except in your mind, and the NPD takes them for granted without realizing what they really are– because they motivate you to action.. the motivate you to shower the NPD with attention — because you are a real human being and care about other people’s feelings. When you purposely fail to have or show respect or consideration toward’s what would be the NPDs feelings, you essentially “stump” that person. Something is different about you, but they can’t figure it out. They don’t know about feelings. Now you can work them over for once or twice.
Not worrying about the NPD’s “feelings” not only frees you up from the false image of the NPD’s emotions that you have built up in your mind as existing and deserving of your nurture, but also gives you greater freedom — a greater choice of actions that you can take to accomplish your goal. They can’t really feel it, because they don’t understand the nature of other people’s feelings - I certainly highly doubt they understand their own. When you… kindly, gently, respectfully hurt people’s feelings — CALMLY — “I just don’t think I’m going to be able to be your friend anymore because you’re X and that’s Y and how are so and so going to react about this” or “I’m really dissapointed that you have continually let me down over and over again… I thought we had an understanding about this, but if you can’t keep up your end of the bargain, well, it’s not so much me… but what are X going to think and Y going to think — I really don’t want to make you look bad, but at the same time, I think our friendship…” whatever… that kind of thing — a deep, heartfelt, ultra-concerned for their welfare bearer of bad, currently “private” news. Ethically speaking, also, I would suggest suggesting a course of action that might lead to redemption. But remember, they don’t have any feelings. So be HONEST when you tell them the path to redemption.. basically, that it’s hopeless. It IS the truth, right?
So that’s my theory that’s worked for me already in some very nice ways — for all intents and purposes, they don’t have any feelings. So don’t worry about hurting them. You don’t have to - they won’t feel a thing.