Hateration (or: Obvious things I didn’t find quite so obvious but had to pay a lot of money to figure out)
Alice Bachini-Smith is so right here:
It’s a very sad but very true fact that some of the worst haters are ex-friends/family/close people. As you grow up and learn to be a better person, there will always be those who just can’t stand you changing because (a) they do not want to adapt themselves enough to acceptance of what you are doing, and (b) they still want you doing the older stuff you used to do instead. The only thing you can do here is let go. It’s time to learn how to put your chosen values above mere people-pleasing, by knowing what you believe in and being prepared to stand up for it (nb. which must include the importance of your own life-path and learning in some kind of moral/ spiritual context).
It can be very scary and threatening to people - whether they are conscious of being fearful or not - when those close to them change. Perversely, the most intimidating changes seem to be those which are best for you. Perhaps even more perversely, the ones who can react against this the most strongly are those who love you and have known you the longest.
Maybe you used to be quite depressed and managed to leave that behind, or you were very lethargic and then developed a great deal of energy and love for live. (The degree to which it can upset people - especially your family - if you lose a lot of weight could be a post topic of its own.) Whatever, they knew how to deal with the old you, and when you decided to change, you probably also changed the dynamic of your relationship with these people. They knew how to deal with the mopey, miserable you; how on earth do they relate to the cheerful person in front of them? Does this change them, too?
None of this should stop us from changing or trying to change, of course, but it’s something for which to be prepared. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, and taking care of yourself (in the “nobody else is responsible for my happiness and development” way, not the “screw you, I’m going to do what I like and crap on everyone else” way) always leads to a better life.
But I wish I had known all this about, well, 31 years ago.
Filed under: Life
Interesting on the obvious/ not obvious- it should be general knowledge, but for some reason there still seems to be almost a taboo surrounding these things. Social convention is a powerful force.
Wish I’d known about this earlier too, so I could have gone through life armed with a flaming torch and a spear, instead of spending all of those years attempting to appease. Even in the last 5 years I fell into the trap of attempting to appease an angry control freak work colleague, but boy oh boy does it feel good to be free of that now (now that the threatening emails and unsuccessful and frantic phone calls to others to drum up sympathy for the other party have ended…).
Personal freedom isn’t free either, is it?
ever since i was as young as 8yrs old i felt hate around me but now that am 19, it seems as though nothing much has changed and recently i decided i wasnt going to let other people run my life coz its me who live it and not them…..but i have to admit,its been so hard for me just letting go of all those people in my who did nothig but take me down but am getting there and am determined and nothing will stop me…. thanks Danicki for your advice coz it really helps..,God bless