Moderation or abstinence?
A post from my friend Gretchen Rubin on being a moderator or abstainer led me to a moment of clarity.
I am clearly an abstainer. As Samuel Johnson said, “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” There are few things I can do in moderation, and where I have realized that and moved to abstinence, I’ve had great success. For example, it’s been 22 months since I last had a drink and I don’t struggle with temptation there at all (luckily!).
This also applies to relationships; once I accept that a relationship - be it a former friendship, business acquaintance or otherwise - is harmful to me, I eventually (sometimes after much deliberation and many “relapses”) cut off contact for good. This is not done in anger. Things are just better that way. I have yet to regret such a decision.
But the moment of clarity I got from Gretchen’s post was that the areas in my life where I am still trying to practice moderation are the most difficult. Self-determined rules are my friend; when I stick to the principles, the right behaviors and results happen naturally. I am an abstainer, and need to accept that and act accordingly. Really, there is no valid argument to the contrary.
(That said, as Gretchen has written before, one can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.)
Thanks, Gretchen! Thought-provoking posts like yours are one of the reasons why I love the internet so much.
Filed under: Life
Hmm… def. something to think about, can I be somewhere in between? I’m an all or nothing person so I know very well that things I love - like workouts, caffeine, alcohol, sex, cheese - I overdo. Moderation has never been my strong side even though I’m getting a bit better at it as I grow older.
But how I deal with some of these things, the ones I like to call my “stress crutches” (caffeine, alcohol, endorphines - and perhaps I should add “quick food” like sandwiches/baguettes), depends entirely on my stress level.
If I’m very stressed I find it very difficult not to succumb to these - lots of coffe and diet pepsi to get going in the morning and keep going thru the day, a two hour work out after work to get the energy to go home and do more work, and a glass of wine or two to keep me awake, and working, a wee bit longer into the evening/ or beer with colleagues to take the stress out of the day after work (bread on the go is more of a “when I get too busy in my mind to plan ahead thing”).
Bread does me no good, so am better off just abstaining, but when I make sure to sleep well and take the time to look a bit better after myself, prioritising myself i guess, I’m quite happy to enjoy a cup or two of really good coffee in the morning, and perhaps just a glass of wine in the company of good friends and food at the wknd and don’t fancy more than that + also quite capable of deciding a workout level that’s healthy for me.
Needless to say perhaps, my overarching resolution for 2009 is working on a sustainable lifestyle:-)
Sustainability is overrated. ;)
I really was addressing specifically those things which are truly harmful to us; I don’t think occasional “junk” food (whatever that is - another blog post for another time) or whatever is anything to go into crisis mode over. I mean, I could go months or weeks without a drink during my illustrious “career,” but usually it was a couple of times a week and it was always way too much. I would not drink at all unless I knew I could get hammered. I’d get anxious before a night out about whether or not others would drink with me, and if no one wanted to drink that way, I’d get agitated and it would sort of ruin my night. I couldn’t do moderation there, and for that (and many, many other) reasons, I am a million times happier and better off in abstinence.
So the substances and practices which have similar far-reaching effects into other parts of our lives (relationships, work, sense of self-worth, etc) are where we often cannot afford to fall in the middle here. Or am I being too hardcore? Again, moderation is not my strong suit…
I’m definitely a mixture of both, I think. I can easily give things up (and do it fairly regularly, just for the sake of self-discipline, because I’m a weirdo). However, if it comes to goals like ‘avoiding sweets’ I find that moderation works well for me - but very controlled moderation! In my world that means ‘no sweets during the week, but a day where I’m ‘allowed’ sweets in the weekend’.
With regard to more important things (such as toxic friends or whatever) I am all about going cold turkey!
Jacq, when I was trying to lose a lot of weight (and succeeding), I would be “good” six out of seven days. On the other day, I ate and drank what I liked. This worked for me insofar as I lost weight, but on another level it just kept me tied to sweets and drink. The difference here is you’re a marathon-running, in-shape superstar and I am still trying to get to my goal!
I think we Catholics - practicing or not - are good at abstinence, in stages (thanks to Lent and guilt) or longterm.
Interesting. I half admire that, Jackie: I’ve thought at times I should be better at going cold turkey on people and situations that aren’t good for me. When I do cut people off it’s absolute, but it takes a lot, perhaps too much , to get there. And yes, I’m seeing more and more that the price of trying to work the middle ground could be too high.
The fundamental problem I think is overestimating what I can take and underestimating the impact Likewise, a wise woman once told me I had this mind that decided what I wanted to do supported by an immense willpower that pushed my body where my mind had ordained regardless of the cost - that’s where the stress crutches and trying to get a more “sustainable” lifestyle comes in, cause I’m just defeating myself in the long term by not looking better after myself. But I guess dealing with things that are harmful for you, either by moderation or abstaining, and dealing with using things in a harmful way, like these stress crutches of mine, are two slightly different challenges.
Well, and now you bring up the topic of willpower, which I find to be an enemy of mine…I have all the will and none of the power, as I often overhear others say, which is a recipe for frustration and failure. Again, perhaps another topic for another post.
Hmm… quitting drinking, loosing a lot of weight, the kind of hours you work …. it doesn’t exactly sound to the outsider like you lack the power, but I shall await that blog post;-)
I’m a moderator in most respects, but recently cut off a toxic business/questionable friendship relationship and cannot believe how much better my life is without that influence. Even as the toxic hate bombs were exploding (when I stopped responding to that person’s energies and demands and walked away) I felt immediately better, and things continue to improve. Chocolate? I don’t care, I could have a little or none. Toxicity? None ,thank you!
I noticed on your sidebar that you read about your local Zen center. I started learning Zen practice in August and it has made huge improvements in my life - and, perhaps this is no conincidence, the colleauge I cut off was 150% against my interest in Zen in all ways. I WAS NOT to pursue that, I WAS to follow her orders for my life - boy did I make the right choice in pursuing Zen for me and clearing my air, so to say, of her. Perhaps she knew that clarity and happiness would feed on each other in an upward spiral and that poor behavior would then be less tolerated?