“No offense, but the thought of touching you makes me sick”
This New York Times piece about politicians’ use of hand sanitising gels made me feel queasy just reading it. I’m not an anti-bacterial maniac, but I have a thing about clean hands. If I see you touch the floor or put dirty washing in the machine, I will struggle over whether or not to suggest you wash your hands. (In Antoine’s case, I just ask him to do it, while he laughs over how many times a day I’m going to freak over germs when we have a kid.) One of the most disgusting experiences I’ve had was watching a friend scratch his head repeatedly while cutting vegetables for a salad we were to share. I ended up not saying anything, and could barely choke down a few bites, but I could not imagine a polite way of handling that situation.
As for shaking hands, it can be pretty gross, because there’s no telling whose hands are going to be damp and clammy. LOTS of people have slimy hands, probably through no fault of their own. Still, I would like to see us phase out hand shaking and introduce something like Japanese bowing or another greeting which doesn’t necessitate contact. (Don’t even get me started on kissing as a greeting. Hate it.) I just don’t think there’s a way to decline a handshake without offending. Perhaps “I have a highly contagious flesh-eating bacteria all over my hands”?
Filed under: Life
While listening recently to Anthony Bourdain’s “Kitchen Confidential,” he relayed a story about how everyone in his kitchen–meaning, 30 cooks and linecooks and dishwashers and waiters–had to be tested for a certain viral strain. It turned out the Mexicans and Central Americans were teeming with different intestinal bacterias and ameobas, and yet, none of them ever came down with any of the illnesses; it was only the people who washed their hands all the time that got sick. This, by way of saying when you wash and wash and disinfect (I personally think those sanitizers are backward and evil and will be proved detrimental), you are also washing away the bacteria that you need to stay tough. Two more points: when I was a kid, if a piece of food fell on the floor, my mother would say, “Kiss it up to god” and eat it (or have us eat it); a Russian friend calls this “Russian antibiotics.” And Tafv and her friends currently obey the two-second rule: if it’s been on the floor less than that, it gets eaten.
As for someone scratching his head and touching your food: yeah, that’s disgusting. But not shaking hands anymore does not seem like progress.
Yeah, I know all about how bacteria makes us resistant, which is why I said I’m not an anti-bacterial maniac. I just think it’s gross to touch a floor people have walked on with their shoes (which have tramped through God knows what outside) and then prepare my food or whatever. I only really mind shaking hands with people who have clammy skin (and with people who have limp handshakes. We were taught in school how to give a firm handshake, and I wish everyone else had been.).
Excellent post Jackie.
You may recall my post on the insane world of greetings:
http://ben.casnocha.com/2006/07/the_insane_worl.html
I would love to see handshakes (and especially hugs and kisses) abolished in favor of the Japanese bow. It’s so easy and fun in Japan — a bow (or several bows, depending on seniority) and then onto business.
High school and college hugging routines drive me crazy. So be grateful it’s just a shake in the business world.
As to your predicament, my take is you should say you’re a germaphobe because most people think you don’t have control over phobias, so they’ll gladly be extra careful on the sanitary side of life. If you make a random comment they could think it’s snooty.
I like handshakes. You can tell so much about a person by their handshake. I hate limp handshakes, but that’s good: chances are I’ll hate any person with a limp handshake, so the handshake saves a lot of time.
I do find it very good practice to follow Eddie Izzard’s advice: when shaking hands with one of those bastards who delights in trying to crush your knuckles unto dust, don’t grin and bear it; shout “Ouch!” and wave your hand around in conspicuous agony. It absolutely mortifies them.